"Success" Day!

Hi!

I've managed... I've done it! I made it! A day WITHOUT chocolate!!! Yes! And I had it near and I even touched some but no... I did NOT eat it! Yay me! (Even if I shouldn't say so :p)

So today I sort of grabbed the bull by the horns and decided I am better than that. So I got everything ready last night. I took my AnsiPrax drops when I woke up and got to work nicely and relaxed. I took my liquid chrome too. Made it through to breakfast time which I had slowly and nicely with some green tea. Had lunch without overdoing it. I did have some bread but I didn't stuff myself. I didn't take any crisps either :D I took more Ansiprax an hour after lunch. I wasn't hungry (amazing! Magic! Unheard of!). I got home and had my snack (although I was NOT hungry) and then proceeded to get everything ready for tomorrow (kids bathed, dinners ready, 2 washing machines, clothes ready for tomorrow, breakfast for tomorrow...). Put kids in bed, had our dinner which wasn't even 1/4 of what I regularly eat and after doing some work, I'm all ready to go to bed at a decent time without having had any chocolate or having binged or having eaten outside of meals... wow... I've done it today... surely I can keep doing it! Woohoo!

I feel sooooooooooooo proud! Although I do have to admit I never had that drive to eat chocolate like I always do or binge binge binge... which in all honesty is amazing after a hard day with some stress added last minute (when I most binge) and I still managed... could I be on the right path this time? Could be! Time to leave today and grab tomorrow. I will try my best again! :D

Who/what am I?

Good question, huh?
Who knows... I don't... I don't think I am a runner at all... I like it, no... I love it but I ain't there yet. I am a mom, no question about that.
But, who/what do I want to be? I "simply" want/would like to be a happy and healthy being who could control my eating and feel "normal". May not sound like that much or that difficult but right now it's a huge challenge for me. I know that easy does it and I know it only depends on me, only.on.me
I constantly need to be reminded I can't do what I always, automatically, do. How do I do that? I am in such an auto-mode that it is hard as I simply "forget"... I do it as a habit and I need to break that habit. I have to work on thinking before acting... again, doesn't sound that bad, does it now? Well... I have been trying for the last 3 years or so without success... but I ain't going to stop trying... I will make it sooner or later but will make it for sure! I'll keep trying until I get there :D

Running away

I think I've got it... I think I run away from everything. I think I'm not brave enough so that's why I act the way I do.

I often find I can't deal with the situation and what do I do? Just leave it, I run away from it, I don't face it... OMG... that's bad!

Today, though, I sort of grabbed the bull by the horns. Hubby and I talked about a lot of things and I didn't run away, I spoke my mind. It was great and feel relieved about it but I realised I often don't face stuff, mostly cause I don't know how to :o

Guess it's time to look at problems/issues/whatever in the eye and don't just let them sit about but solve them.

I'll give it a try, I most certainly will!

Have about had it

Feeling somewhat low these days... extremely tired, aches and pains all over. I fear I am injured again. This time on my right leg (which is all new :( sniff) on my thigh, right where it joins my hip... still I have such a backache that I think it could be coming to the front somehow. But also, my right knee's not right... but it all seems to be the same, as if there was an internal wire that was pulling... oh dear... Plus, I just can't put myself together and get out there. I am extremely exhausted, unmotivated and feeling horrible and not wanting to see anyone... eek... that's not good. Back to work on Monday. Hopefully things will start looking up once the routine gets going again!

Don't get me wrong. These days with the kids and friends we've seen, have been great. But I do need something to light the spark and get me going. I know it's going to take a long while but I need to do it. I don't want to be injured. I don't have time nor money to keep going to the docs... But specially, I think I need motivation. Right now I don't think (actually, I know) I can run any of the races I'm registered for... more than sad, I think it's pathetic.

Onto a fresh start. Baby steps, easy does it I guess... time to get moving... or it will simply get worse. Kicks welcome!

Life passes

So, it is 3 Kings day today. We went to the parade last night, the helpers came home to much surprise for the kids, it was awesome! Everything went smoothly this am and the kids were very pleased with their presents, it was magical. We went for lunch, all went great, then headed to the in laws to see if the Kings had left anything there. Everyone was happy but when it was time to go, we had a problem with MIL and that just ruined everything... it was a very stressful moment, so hubby got really stressed and anxious which didn't help. Got home, the kids didn't want to listen, I got really really nervous... eek... I don't like it when I sort of lose control. They've now had their dinner and will soon be heading to bed and I think I'll go to. I just hope I can get out there for a walk/trot/jog/run, whatever, for a long long long time and ON MY OWN!

I am not happy with myself. I am bigger than ever (almost) and feel horrible... it is so difficult to make that very first step I so know I need to take and stick to it... sometimes I think I take too much and it keeps adding up and it gets to a point when you can't take anymore and I think now is that time, ugh. In a way, it's good as it should get better from now on. Maybe once the holidays are over and we get back into a routine things might settle!!!!

I'll keep trying in the mean time ;)